Wednesday, January 23, 2008
No more Gramoo
My great grandma died today. Well it's after midnight now so technically, yesterday, and in the morning. Last of my great grandparents to go. I called her Gramoo, like on My Girl. I still have all of my grandparents, lucky me.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
What's with the negativity?
What's with the negativity?
It's really getting to me. I know it's winter and less sun means more grumps, but this whole everybody I know being negative thing is really getting to me. I was happy, 2 days ago. I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders and it was right after I dreamt that Dreamboy and I figured out he isn't on Earth, he's on some other planet in some other galaxy I can't recall -if I ever even knew- the name of. Since then I felt like I had been relieved of having to find him, having to save his life, having to meet him, ever, on this plane.
My dad calls to talk negatively about this and that, my mother does the same, my sister...all the same boring and negative stories. I want to get out and live, and I guess I will have to soon as I return to work. But I have all these great ideas and enthuse, and every time someone has a negative statement for me to hear I feel a little more weight on my shoulders, a little more of a dark cloud build up over my head and I know it might not be long before I wake up a grump again and mad at world. But I like this feeling now, I like feeling like I'm capable of making something of my life still. I want to tell everyone I know to just stop being so fucking upset, depressing and sad, because it doesn't help me a fucking bit.
People always wonder why I'm so negative. I realize now it started when I was young and impressionable, and that's just how I was raised to be.
It's really getting to me. I know it's winter and less sun means more grumps, but this whole everybody I know being negative thing is really getting to me. I was happy, 2 days ago. I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders and it was right after I dreamt that Dreamboy and I figured out he isn't on Earth, he's on some other planet in some other galaxy I can't recall -if I ever even knew- the name of. Since then I felt like I had been relieved of having to find him, having to save his life, having to meet him, ever, on this plane.
My dad calls to talk negatively about this and that, my mother does the same, my sister...all the same boring and negative stories. I want to get out and live, and I guess I will have to soon as I return to work. But I have all these great ideas and enthuse, and every time someone has a negative statement for me to hear I feel a little more weight on my shoulders, a little more of a dark cloud build up over my head and I know it might not be long before I wake up a grump again and mad at world. But I like this feeling now, I like feeling like I'm capable of making something of my life still. I want to tell everyone I know to just stop being so fucking upset, depressing and sad, because it doesn't help me a fucking bit.
People always wonder why I'm so negative. I realize now it started when I was young and impressionable, and that's just how I was raised to be.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Aquarium Dream
Last night he was taller, over 6 feet tall. Long black hair, long black coat. We were walking around an aquarium sort of like the fish section at a pet store. It was blue inside the place, I'm not sure what I was wearing but I was taller than I normally am by a good half a foot.
As I was falling asleep I saw a light brown colored wood house, 1 story high, between 2 white two story houses. There was snow around outside so it was winter but sunny as well.
I know he's upset today. I know today he wants to die. I try to tell him to wait, to hold out another day, to keep looking. I know that he's trying to find me, and I'm here trying to find him. That's the best either of us can do. He's going to die.
He's a day closer to death.
Or we're a day closer to finding each other.
As I was falling asleep I saw a light brown colored wood house, 1 story high, between 2 white two story houses. There was snow around outside so it was winter but sunny as well.
I know he's upset today. I know today he wants to die. I try to tell him to wait, to hold out another day, to keep looking. I know that he's trying to find me, and I'm here trying to find him. That's the best either of us can do. He's going to die.
He's a day closer to death.
Or we're a day closer to finding each other.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Are you Dream Boy? (If so, you're toast!)
I keep having dreams about a boy, and he dies in every one of them. When I think about the dream after it's over and I'm awake or just waking up, I have a strong feeling that if I don't figure out who this boy is in my waking life, he'll die permanently. In dreams we know each other and our faces. In my dreams I'm not the same as who I am when I'm awake, I look different, I talk and act differently more often than not. But awake, I can't recall his face, his voice, much of anything about him. It only makes sense when I'm asleep and it's beginning to drive me crazy.
Sometimes I'll see someone and think maybe it looks like the dream boy, or I'll see a guy who has the feeling of familiarity that I get when I see the boy in the dreams. The feeling that I've known him for a long time and that I'm comfortable around him. His name changes in dreams. It was Justin in the last one, and I watched him fall off of a building and later die from internal injuries before an ambulance arrived to save him, an ambulance I called but since I didn't know the address I couldn't tell them where we were and it took them so long to find us that he died.
I've died in dreams before, not often and only twice that I can recall at the moment, but I know I've finitely ended in dreams and I'm still alive. I used to strongly believe that once I died in a dream I would die in real life at the same time, and that I would never awaken from that dream. I know now that's not true, which is great since I have episodes of sleep paralysis.
I think that the boy has red hair, or at least a very light brown. And I also think that he's younger, under 30 but anywhere from a young teen to a 20-something like myself. He's taller than me most times but not by much so I suppose he's under 6 feet tall. He's light skinned, he might have a tan but not much of one. His voice isn't deep, it isn't high pitched either. This much I'm sure of.
I'm guessing if I searched every website there is for this description, I still wouldn't find him by the time I die. I've pondered that he may be the dream version of myself but I know he isn't because when I dream and run into him I am literally running into him, saying hi, and we make small talk about how weird it is to have yet another dream where we're there hanging out, seeing each other again.
In dreams we've exchanged email addresses, phone numbers, real names, and none of it sticks when I'm awake. His face, name, defining characteristics that may help me find him, that stuff all disappears when I'm awake.
I really can't stand it. I thought if I could find him and talk to him for real, the dreams would stop. Is it possible to be dream-connected to somebody and only know them in dreams for the duration of a life time?
It may be helpful to note here that my twin brother died at birth, or sometime in the womb, or just after birth within weeks of being born, I've been told different stories. I should also note that my brothers are dead. However in dreams my brothers have never disguised themselves and never hid from me the fact that they are dead, they know they are dead, I know they are dead and I accept it for the most part.
The boy in my dreams resembles my last brother to die the most. However, my last brother was very, uh, how do you say it....he wasn't exactly wishy-washy the way the dream boy is. He was very tall, very pale skinned, very lanky, very blond haired (but dyed it very black), he was very flamboyant, very outspoken, and had a very strong presence to him -I wouldn't have forgotten any of that about him in dreams. That being said, dream boy is a lot like myself, and a lot like my brother. It is possible I took characteristics about my brother and myself, put them together and created this dream boy in my dreams to have somebody familiar to hang out with.
I used to have dreams about my brothers, I used to see them in real life, but all of that stopped happening within a few years of their deaths. It seemed like they only hung around until i was comfortable enough to let them go and move on somewhat, then they were just gone from sight for good. I don't like to be alone when I'm awake and the same goes for my dreams.
It still makes it awkward to see dream boy and have that, "Oh, it's you again, so what do we do now?" moment in dreams.
Also, dream boy loves the song 'Disassociative' by Marilyn Manson.
And sometimes I can hear him talking when I'm falling asleep. So, if this is possible, our minds start connecting when unconsciousness starts to set in. Which means he must be in the same time zone as me....or in Europe with very messed up circadian rhythms.
Sweet Dreams until next time.
Sometimes I'll see someone and think maybe it looks like the dream boy, or I'll see a guy who has the feeling of familiarity that I get when I see the boy in the dreams. The feeling that I've known him for a long time and that I'm comfortable around him. His name changes in dreams. It was Justin in the last one, and I watched him fall off of a building and later die from internal injuries before an ambulance arrived to save him, an ambulance I called but since I didn't know the address I couldn't tell them where we were and it took them so long to find us that he died.
I've died in dreams before, not often and only twice that I can recall at the moment, but I know I've finitely ended in dreams and I'm still alive. I used to strongly believe that once I died in a dream I would die in real life at the same time, and that I would never awaken from that dream. I know now that's not true, which is great since I have episodes of sleep paralysis.
I think that the boy has red hair, or at least a very light brown. And I also think that he's younger, under 30 but anywhere from a young teen to a 20-something like myself. He's taller than me most times but not by much so I suppose he's under 6 feet tall. He's light skinned, he might have a tan but not much of one. His voice isn't deep, it isn't high pitched either. This much I'm sure of.
I'm guessing if I searched every website there is for this description, I still wouldn't find him by the time I die. I've pondered that he may be the dream version of myself but I know he isn't because when I dream and run into him I am literally running into him, saying hi, and we make small talk about how weird it is to have yet another dream where we're there hanging out, seeing each other again.
In dreams we've exchanged email addresses, phone numbers, real names, and none of it sticks when I'm awake. His face, name, defining characteristics that may help me find him, that stuff all disappears when I'm awake.
I really can't stand it. I thought if I could find him and talk to him for real, the dreams would stop. Is it possible to be dream-connected to somebody and only know them in dreams for the duration of a life time?
It may be helpful to note here that my twin brother died at birth, or sometime in the womb, or just after birth within weeks of being born, I've been told different stories. I should also note that my brothers are dead. However in dreams my brothers have never disguised themselves and never hid from me the fact that they are dead, they know they are dead, I know they are dead and I accept it for the most part.
The boy in my dreams resembles my last brother to die the most. However, my last brother was very, uh, how do you say it....he wasn't exactly wishy-washy the way the dream boy is. He was very tall, very pale skinned, very lanky, very blond haired (but dyed it very black), he was very flamboyant, very outspoken, and had a very strong presence to him -I wouldn't have forgotten any of that about him in dreams. That being said, dream boy is a lot like myself, and a lot like my brother. It is possible I took characteristics about my brother and myself, put them together and created this dream boy in my dreams to have somebody familiar to hang out with.
I used to have dreams about my brothers, I used to see them in real life, but all of that stopped happening within a few years of their deaths. It seemed like they only hung around until i was comfortable enough to let them go and move on somewhat, then they were just gone from sight for good. I don't like to be alone when I'm awake and the same goes for my dreams.
It still makes it awkward to see dream boy and have that, "Oh, it's you again, so what do we do now?" moment in dreams.
Also, dream boy loves the song 'Disassociative' by Marilyn Manson.
And sometimes I can hear him talking when I'm falling asleep. So, if this is possible, our minds start connecting when unconsciousness starts to set in. Which means he must be in the same time zone as me....or in Europe with very messed up circadian rhythms.
Sweet Dreams until next time.
A dream blog
This isn't my New Year's resolution.
I've been blogging my dreams all over the interglobe for years, I've yet to stick with one. My fiance blogs his dreams so maybe I'll try sticking with it. I've been having strange dreams lately and I should keep track of them if I'm ever going to figure them out.
Jei reit. Let's see!
I've been blogging my dreams all over the interglobe for years, I've yet to stick with one. My fiance blogs his dreams so maybe I'll try sticking with it. I've been having strange dreams lately and I should keep track of them if I'm ever going to figure them out.
Jei reit. Let's see!
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